When My Heart Stopped Pacing

That was almost two years ago. Since then, my energy has been in a downward spiral. Resulting in drastic adaptations of my coaching practice and reducing the market lauch of my essential oil line, Capim Santo Alchemy, to a turtle’s pace.

Just prior to having a pacemaker implanted, August 2011, my Electrophysiologist assured me the pacemaker would dramatically increase my energy level and I would quickly return to my “normal” pace of life.

Sounded great. Go Medtronic!

Except, month after month, fatigue increasingly gripped me.

For almost two years

I pushed.
I poked.
I prodded.
Expecting my body to obey my commands and the device deftly planted and visible just below my skin’s surface.

According to regular “device check-ups” the “device” perfectly paced my heart, moment by moment.

I left every check-up in tears.

Why was fatigue plaguing me?

I needed to discover why.

As a Master Certified Life Coach with Martha Beck, Inc.. my coaching tools were at hand and I used them deligently which is why I believe I endured nearly two years.  I knew how to compensate and treat myself in challenging times.
If you’ve coached with me you are familiar with Martha’s tool, The Body Compass, which briefly is an internal GPS for navigating life. Your body is the one aspect of who we are that does not lie and is constantly providing bio-feedback as to our felt sense response to life and whether or not what you’re doing, who you’re in relationship with and your physical environment is in sync with your DNA, your intrinsic design or your essential self.

The physical responses, reactions or symptoms are not isolated rather they create a barometer of your emotional, mental and soulful state of well-being.

Details forth coming in a future memoir, simply stated, I was attempting to outpace the natural rhythm of my heart and wore it out. According to my physician, my heart function indicated a worn out body part. The condition was normal in elderly women, hello, age 75 plus, and super rare in a woman of my age with my level of health.

Honestly, I was in disbelief.

Upon hospitalization from ER

I questioned the night nurse,
the morning nurse,
the pacemaker representative.

I was in
Denial and
Offended.

The ego is a wicked master.

I was expecting my body to do it all, be it all and perform at my ego’s demand. I had determined as a young adult that I could change the world, at least where ever I was in the world.
I tried.
My first efforts entailed being
The perfect daugher.
The perfect student.
The perfect friend.
The perfect believer.
The perfect eater. I was juicing well before it was the nation’s fad.
The perfect wife.
The perfect mom.
The perfect hostess.
The perfect leader.
The perfect cook.
The perfect social conservative.
I adopted two children in my efforts to save the world and share the abundance I had been granted in this life.
The perfect patient.

Makes me feel exhausted all over again.

Eventually, I couldn’t ignore my body’s cry for rest.
January 2013, I said, “yes,” to rest.
I’m still learning to surrender.

I’ve wanted to write about this many times but I had no words.
I think because it’s a journey that has been unfolding and will continue to unfold as I lean into it and trust it.

This morning on my nature walk, I heard these words:

a pace of grace= a sustainable life.

That’s what I want.

I don’t want perfect.

I want sustainable.

I want to live in sync, body, soul, mind.